Continued from here
So on one level I don’t “promote” the use of drugs. But I do encourage the pursuit of Truth. I know what works for me and from time to time life has a way of leading me to certain gateways. It’s my choice to walk through and what I do once I get there. For some people, the use of certain plant based medicines is a way to heal in ways that other methods fail to. There is no one path to the truth, these things are tools, just like prayer and meditation and service work. Believe it or not I take this shit pretty fucking serious.
So one Saturday night, Cher, Yoshi, Carrie, Able and I went into the jungle and came back slightly different. I won’t give details other then we were in a safe place with people that I trusted who respected and understood how sacred this experience was.
When Cher asked me earlier in the night if she could participate my first reaction was “Fucking no fucking way!!!!” but before that thought could even form into words, something in my gut told me that I needed her to be there. Now, please understand that this was not my first Rodeo by any means, I’ve done things very similar to this numerous times and have taken a lot of people on journeys like this, so I know what I’m talking about.
Everyone went through exactly what they needed to. Yoshi, who had only tried mushrooms recently, took the lowest douse and tripped harder than anyone I’ve ever witnessed and I was kind of jealous. But she started going to dark places and thought I was the Devil, surprising I know, and wouldn’t let anyone but Cher get close to her. Cher, who had never taken care of anyone including herself, and was also tripping as well, stepped up and helped comfort Yoshi the entire night. After that Cher and I got along rather well since she had a sense of awareness that she had seriously lacked. Able and Carrie each had their own experience and we didn’t talk about it since I didn’t have the best trip ever.
I was too in my own head, even in paradise I felt disconnected from the source and it was a heavy weight to bear since I used to feel a very real and genuine sense of connection and was trying desperately to find it again. It was the whole reason I was in Hawaii, I had acted out of ego and fucked up my life and needed to heal. I took a rather large douse and it tasted like burnt molasses but it did the trick, sort of. It hit slow but it was strong, but I couldn’t let go. The entire time I was reminding myself that it was all just a chemical reaction between X and Y and it was simply distorting my perception. It’s as if I was clinging to the reality I was trying to escape from. There was no deeper understanding of the universe, no sense of reconnection. I walked away grateful that the others had found what they were looking for but feeling like I had missed out.
When we got back Carrie and I took off for the day and went exploring the island. The term Big Island is a bit misleading since you can drive around it in a day, but you could be out there for weeks and not see everything. The climate and scenery can literally change in a matter of miles and it’s hands down the most beautiful place I’ve ever laid eyes on. I was happy to get away from the center for a day and start looking for places to take Vicky when she got there.
It was around this time that it became crystal clear that Mud had a major crush Christy despite the fact that she was 20 years younger than him and had a boyfriend who didn’t live in a tent. It was rather disturbing to watch and I’m just glad she had the common sense to brush off his advancements. I thought that he was going to be an adult about it but at the start of the last week he disappeared, then showed back up on the last night of class in time to make a total ass of his self.
By this point my replacements had arrived. Yes, they had to bring on two people to do what I was doing and at first I was kind of pissed about it. I had worked my ass off in that Kitchen and though it wasn’t my best work, I was proud of the food that I had served. I was going to class on a regular basis and getting stronger and trying to be more interactive with the group. Hell, I was even getting along well with Cher. But since Vicky was coming out I had no real choice but to smile and keep my mouth shut and I think Freemont and Sunny knew this.
By the last week I was counting down the hours till she got there. My birthday sucked despite the fact that it was a Friday but it didn’t matter since she was getting there on Sunday and I would be officially off of work. At this point I didn’t have a game plan as far as what I was going to do after she left the following Sunday. I had a one way ticket back to Seattle and had been able to talk Boomhower into letting me crash at his place for a week. But I figured that I’d figure it out when I needed to since that’s typically how I handle things.
The final night was fun. I didn’t get to cook, much to my disappointment and we had a couple staying in one of the cabins for their honeymoon and had no idea what the hell was going on or what they had gotten into. Mud showed up and looked like he had been on a multi-day bender and I knew things were going to end strange. The girls got there certificates and a round of applause and I stayed in the background, proud of them and happy is was almost over.
The next morning the plan was to ride with Fremont and Christy to the airport in Hilo, drop her off and then wait for Vicky to get there at 2. Mud showed up insisting that he was going to take her and then telling people how he had been on a vision quest and seen visions of me fucking Christy and Carrie and that I was the devil. I have to admit there was a part of me that thought it was funny that twice in two weeks, someone loaded on drugs was insisting that I was the Devil. But the timing sucked.
I really had no other choice so I fucking hitch hiked to Hilo. I got a ride with the couple that were on their honeymoon to the Sunday market and then skated close to 10 miles before catching a ride. At that point I didn’t give a fuck, I would have skated the whole way to get there on time and much to my surprise was able to get there 2 hours early.
We both knew it was doomed, that there wasn’t a chance in hell of it working out. It was just the way it was and had to be. But we were taking a week long vacation away from life and responsibility, renting a car and living on our whims. When she walked down those stairs everything else melted away and she was the only thing that was real.
We sat and smoked in a state of shock. We had been talking and chatting via video for 2 months but this was the first time in person in 16 years and it was odd, for about 2 minutes. By the time we went to pick up the car we could hardly keep our hands off of each other. By a stroke of luck they had rented out all of the compacts so we got a nice upgrade into a much bigger car, a fact that came in handy several times.
I was broke but also resourceful and had a surprise for Vicky who thought that we would be staying in my dorm room sleeping on a single sized bed. Bullshit! I had talked Sunny into giving me a nice cabin away from everyone else so that we would have privacy. When we pulled in to the center we did the basic hello’s and handshakes and I took her back to the dorm, then blindfolded her and took her to the cabin.
She was impressed.
There’s no doubt it was the best week of my life. I was in love and in paradise. But it was an experience her and I shared and out of respect for her and that week I won’t go into details. When we woke up that following Sunday it was like being woken up from a dream. I knew it was over as soon as she got on the plane. Watching her walk away at the airport was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done. But it was worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing.
The aftermath worked out like this. I stayed the night with Able and Yoshi who had moved in with Able after the class ended and then got up the next morning to head back to Kona to catch a flight that night. I was able to meet up with an old Sailor that Vicky and I had met along the way and spent the afternoon smoking with him on the beach. He took me out to dinner and then gave me a ride to the airport and I gave him the guidebook I had grabbed from the Yoga center and made him promise to come party in Seattle on his way back to Alaska. The flight sucked as was to be expected. I had gotten a call from a friend needing a cook and was able to have a full time job waiting on me when I got back so it was one less thing to stress about.
So I found myself back in Seattle with a tan and good posture and my entire life on my back and was going to rebuild this thing called my life once again. And that’s where I’m at now, trying to finish this book and get the website running again. It’s an uphill climb, I miss Vicky like a son of a bitch and probably will for a while.
Hawaii did not turn out the way I thought it was going to but that was due to my own ego having expectations. In the end I kept an open mind and was able to make some of the much needed changes in my life. There’s going to be drama and bullshit no matter where you go but it’s a matter of how you handle it.
As much as I would love to think that this is the final chapter I know it’s total bullshit, I’ve already got a few things planned for the site and will be going back on the road very soon.
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